just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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