There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
