Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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