Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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