Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
