I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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