you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Floor bacon is actually really good
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
