Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
