you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
