Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
