Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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