She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
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You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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