So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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