Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
