i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
