My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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