life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
