recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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