i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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