Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
