Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
bring money and cleavage
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
