Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
