I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
