i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
