True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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