; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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