woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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