I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
