I hate your face
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
