i wish my penis had a tongue
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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