my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
