the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
