Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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