Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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