i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
