mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sorry about my life...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
