ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
pop tarts are not kleenex
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
