hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
