im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
