I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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