The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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