I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
