You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
