please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
