Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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