I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Holy shit dude........stairs
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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