You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
