UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
