She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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