Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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