The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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