I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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