it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
