I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
