we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
