Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
