I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
