I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
