i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
